There's Butt a Fine Hair Between Love & Hate
by Bexara
Summary: Attempting to stop Kondo from embarrassing the Shinsengumi at a bizarre contest, Hijikata ends up locked in a contest of his own with Gin to discover who has the smoothest backside. HijiGin. Mature Language. Possible Lemon in 2nd part.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note**: I'm back with another HijiGin. I apologize in advance for it. I don't even know what to say for myself anymore. I really don't have a fascination with butt hair. I can only blame Hideaki Sorachi for the prevalent use of it as a plot device. Gintama has twisted me for life.

**Disclaimers**:a) Hideaki Sorachi owns Gintama & it's wonderful, odd, and smexy characters. b) You dropped the F-Bomb on me, baby! There is much cursing inside, be advised. c) This BL. That means B.O.Y.S liking other B.O.Y.S. Hey, it's my story and I can do what I want. See more notes at the end.

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><p>Left eye twitching, Hijikata stared down at the paper in front of him with disgusted disbelief. The emotion lasted only a moment before it quickly turned to rage. Yamazaki, unfortunate subordinate to the demonic Vice-Commander, watched it happen. He saw the exact moment the incredulity on his superior's face bled to a violent anger that promised death and dismemberment to all in his path. Since Yamazaki was not only the lone rank and file Shinsengumi in the room, he was also the poor SOB who had given Hijikata the news that had set him off. Therefore, he knew with the same instinct of a goat staring into the murderous eyes of a mountain lion that his life was in serious peril. He did the only intelligent thing to do in such a situation: he ran like hell. He enjoyed the brief taste of freedom for all of two seconds before his collar was snagged in a vice-like grip and he was hauled roughly backward.<p>

"Where is that idiot at?" Hijikata snarled down into his face, slate eyes blazing with unholy fire.

"K-Kabuki-chou," Yamazaki squeaked out, hanging limply from Hijikata's arm.

"Che, of course it would be there," came an almost resigned response.

Yamazaki relaxed a little. Maybe he wasn't about to be obliterated. Maybe his life was going to be spared. Maybe—

He didn't finish the last thought because he was suddenly flying through the air at Mach 5. He crashed into the wall with enough force to quite painfully embed his head into it. He didn't even try to move. Playing dead worked with mountain lions, right? Or was that bears? Who cared? Hijikata was a wild beast, so as long as Yamazaki didn't' make any sudden movements he just might make it out alive.

"You know, you just said all of that out loud," the words were spoken quietly but with a dark edge that seemed to summon the very hounds of hell themselves. Yamazaki didn't remember much after that once the first kick to his backside landed.

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><p>Hijikata cut a wide swath of terror through Kabuki-chou. Men, women, children, and even animals scurried out if his way. One look at the thunderous expression on his face and the barely contained violence radiating from his body and everyone knew to stay out of his face. He was a razor sharp sword waiting for an excuse to cut someone down. And it was all that stupid gorilla's fault. Just thinking about it made a vein bulge angrily in his forehead. He was only glad that dick Sougo was out on a mission. If that sadist got wind of this, things would go from bad to <em>ohmyfuckinggod!<em> in a heartbeat.

It didn't take him long to find the crowd. The bright green K-SPOOG van parked at the front told him he had the right place. Taking a deep, steadying breath he took a few steps forward, but couldn't help but shudder to a stop when a voice rang out over the loudspeakers that were set up around the area.

"And now, the First Annual Edo 'Braid Your Butt Hair for Charity ' Contest will begin. Are you ready for some rip roaring, butt-hair braiding action?"

The crowd erupted in cheers, whistles, jeers and raucous laughter. Judging by the strong scent of _sake_ permeating the area, Hijikata would place odds that a high percentage of the spectators were drunk off their ass. It made sense, in a sick twisted way. Because, unless you were piss drunk, why the hell would you want to see someone else's freaking ass hair? Or, show your ass to a bunch of strangers? What a bunch of sick fucks. Glancing over at the stage that had been rigged up for the occasion, a familiar face caught his eye and he gritted his teeth in fury. Kondo-san. Commander of the Shinsengumi. Hijikata's boss. The reason he was at this disgusting display and the sickest fucker of all. He started moving forward again. He had to get Kondo-san out of there before someone recognized him. It would be especially bad if—

"Oya, oya. If it isn't Oogushi-kun."

Feeling like he had just swallowed a box of needles, Hijikata twisted on his heel to meet the lazy gaze of his nemesis. The bane of his existence. The scourge of Edo. That silver-permed, no-good, nose-digging, deadbeat, "_Hey, hey, you're hurting Gin-san's feeling, Oogushi-kun_." "_Get out if my inner monologue, you dead fish-eyed bastard! And stop calling me that fucking name already!_" sugar-addicted yorozuya: Sakata Gintoki. The man stood there absently picking his nose with his pinky, while an ice cream graced his other hand.

He cringed. Dammit! This bastard was the last person he wanted to see right now. Not just because it would give the asshole more ammunition to mock them, but the plain fact was any time he ran into Gin he always got tangled up in some kind of stupid mess. The other man was a magnet for trouble and, like a black hole, sucked in everyone with him. If he didn't get away from Gin quickly, he could very well lose his chance to snatch Kondo-san and get the hell out of there.

Swallowing his irritation, he forced his lips to stretch into a grimace of a smile and said with false politeness, "If you will excuse me, I have things to attend to so why don't you run along home now like a good boy before I arrest you for interfering with official police business."

He turned away, preparing to put the yorozuya out of his mind, but a bruising grip on his shoulder stopped him.

"Bastard, don't think I'm going to let you walk away after talking to me like that," Gin growled and used the hold he had on Hijikata to spin him around. Leaning into Hijikata so that they were just inches apart, Gin continued his tirade, a muscle twitching in his cheek as spoke.

"Who do you think you are, you damn mayo-bastard?"

As always when they were this close, Hijikata got a whiff of strawberries and something else sweet as Gin's breath wafted over him. It never failed to make him feel jumpy and on edge, like his stomach was all in knots. Or maybe get just needed to use the toilet. Yeah, that was probably it. Still, he had already been pissed off and, contrary to the talk he had just given himself, he gave in and fisted his hand in the front if Gin's kimono. The silver haired idiot just pushed all his buttons.

"I don't think, I _know_ I'm the man who is five seconds away from giving you a beat down if you don't take your hand off me," Hijikata pushed his face into Gin's so that their noses were almost touching.

"Hah? A comedian? Are you a comedian now? Or has all that mayo rotted your brain? There's no way you could even put a scratch on me," derision colored Gin's voice.

Hijikata opened his mouth to hurl another insult, but stopped when he noticed the odd glow in Gin's eyes and the slight flush on his cheeks. Unwillingly, his own eyes were drawn down to the other's lips, now parted from his vocal exertions. He was drifting forward before it hit him what he had been about to do. Shit! What the fuck was wrong with him? Jerking his head back, he released his hold on Gin's kimono. He needed to put some distance between them. Needed to remember what he came there for. Needed—

"Alright, before we get started, let's give a shout out to our sponsor who made the First Annual Braid Your Butt Hair for Charity Contest possible, radio station 98.3 K-SPOOG."

Another round of applause followed this announcement. Crap, he didn't have time to be jacking around. Kondo-san was his priority, not fighting with the yorozuya.

Once more he started to turn away, and once more his progress was halted by the devil's spawn known as Sakata Gintoki.

"Braid your what? ! Bwahahaha," Gin laughed riotously before smothering it with a cough. "I'm sorry, Hijikata-kun. I'll let you get back to your ... entertainments. Never pegged you for the kind of pervert who liked looking at butt hair, but it takes all kinds."

Hijikata looked at his smirking, knowing face and saw red.

"I'm not here to look at other people's ass hair!" he shouted, hand already reaching for his sword.

Blinking innocently, Gin took a long, leisurely lick of his ice cream before nodding wisely. "Ah, I see. You're here to participate then. Well, if my ass was hairy I personally wouldn't want the world to know but, hey, I applaud your guts."

Gin clapped him on the shoulder as he spoke the last sentence. Practically frothing at the mouth, Hijikata unsheathed his sword and sliced it downward.

"My ass isn't hairy, you fucking retard!" the words were hurled with the same force in which he swung his weapon. Gin's wooden sword was there to meet the blow, deflecting it before coming back with one of his own.

"Bastard," he hissed, "you made me drop my ice cream. You're going to pay for that, mayo-freak!"

With a harsh laugh, Hijikata parried Gin's attack and launched another round. Steel and wood clashed, giving off sparks as the two men traded blow after blow.

"That ice cream was probably just an excuse," Hijikata finally said, panting as he narrowly evaded a jab to his kidneys. "You were in this area because _you_ were planning to participate in the contest, weren't you, you damn sugar addict?"

"My ass isn't hairy either, shithead!" Gin hollered, ducking to avoid a particularly nasty swing that would have decapitated any other man. "My ass is so smooth, the Silk Shogun wanted to patent my butt and name a new brand of fabric after me."

Jumping out of the way of a vicious kick aimed at his left shin, Hijikata replied loudly, "Well, my butt is so smooth the Jazz Shogun wrote a tribute song to it and had a brass French Horn cast in the shape of my ass."

"Mine' smoother. I'll bet you a month's supply of mayonnaise, " Gin yelled, dropping his sword and barreling head first into Hijikata's stomach, knocking them both to the ground.

"No, mine is," Hijikata argued, rolling them over and punching Gin in the face. "I'll bet you a month's supply of ice scream."

"Oh yeah?" came the sneering response as Gin head butted him and reversed their positions.

"Yeah!" Hijikata spat, viciously pinching the other man's side.

"PROVE IT!" they both screamed in unison.

"Fine," Gin ground out, pulling himself off Hijikata.

"Fine," Hijikata echoed angrily as he got to his feet and brushed the dirt and debris from their tussle off his uniform.

"Follow me then," Gin said curtly, barely sparing Hijikata a glance.

"Where?" he asked, just as curt.

"My place, dumbass. Unlike you, I don't fancy the idea of baring my backside to all and sundry."

Biting his tongue, Hijikata gave him the barest of nods. It would only be much, much later that he would realize he had forgotten all about Kondo-san.

**TBC**

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><p><strong> AN Continued**: So, should I be worried? Am I sick? Do I need psychiatric help? Inquiring minds want to know. Anyway, have I ever mentioned how much I adore Gintama? I do. I have for years. I just can't believe there isn't more love out there for it. Well, I will continue to do my best to infect, um er _spread_ the love around. Thank you to everyone who continues to comment on my other HijiGin stories. I'm glad you enjoy the humor. I promise, I will finish "When you have hairy buttocks..." I just had that massive writer's block and then some personal junk in the middle of it, and I completely lost where I was going with it. For this one, I am trying to decide whether to go full lemon or not. I haven't made up my mind. The 2nd part is actually almost completed. I just have to make that decision...


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Notes:** Soo, I am glad to see others share my predication for Gintama's er _toilet_ humor. I guess this is going to be 3 parts after all. No lemons in this, just some slight groping. My only question after you get to the end of this part, who should top? I haven't decided yet. In my fics, I tend to make Hiji top just because the majority of doujins and fics have Gin treating our poor ol' demonic vice-commander as his bitch. I have no real preference, other than I think Hiji is too manly to take it all the time so that's why I like him on top. Gin is such a giant goofball I can easily see him (evilly) topping from the bottom. I actually see them more as a switch couple, but for this first time I haven't decided who gets to do the deed yet. Leave comments if you will to tell me how you like the story, and if you have a preference. I can't swear I will go with it but it might persuade me.

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><p>He was standing in the yorozuya's bedroom when a small measure of sanity began to return to him. What the hell was he doing? Were they really going to compare their asses? What were they, twelve? At least China and the Shimura kid weren't around. Hijikata didn't know how he would have handled seeing them right now. Gintoki had ushered him in here as soon as they arrived and had then left to go "grab the necessary tools." Tools, what tools? What kind of tools were required when comparing your ass to someone else's'? Rulers to measure their ass hair? Damn, he was losing it! He shuffled his feet apprehensively, gazing longingly at the door and wondering if he could sneak out before Gintoki came back.<p>

"The great, demon Vice-Commander losing his nerve?" the mocking question caused him to jerk around as Gintoki entered from another room.

"Please," Hijikata scoffed, even though he still wanted to escape, "I figured you must have gotten scared and ran away, you were gone so long. Afraid your hairy butt's going to lose to my nice, silky, smooth one?"

_Gah, what am I saying? _he thought desperately. _This is insane. Someone stop us, please. I will give you 3,000 yen if you just stop ussss!_

Gintoki also seemed to have a frantic look in his eyes, but he snorted (though it had a hollow ring to it) and said, "Don't make me laugh. I think you are the one who is terrified your ass is going to look like a gorilla's butt next to my pearl-like bottom."

Hijikata took a threatening step toward the silver-haired idiot, but Gintoki shoving something in his midsection stopped him.

"Oomf!" he grunted, grabbing onto it reflexively. "What the fuck is this?"

In his hands, was a large, over-sized hand-mirror. Gintoki held a similar one in hands.

"It's a mirror, you retard," Gintoki replied blandly.

Gnashing his teeth so hard, he was sure blood was seeping from his mouth, Hijikata snapped, "I know it's a mirror, asswipe! I mean, what is it for?"

"Well, I don't know about you, but I'm not just going to take your word about how smooth my ass is. In addition to showing it to each other, we will also look at our own asses. That way, we can be sure the other guy isn't lying just to win."

Huh, yeah that made sense. They needed to be able to prove the other person wasn't lying—_no!_ In what twisted, fucked up world did any of this make sense? If any of the other Shinsengumi members, especially Sougo, knew he had been looking at his own ass in a mirror, _he_would have to commit seppuku! Why, oh why, had he let himself get tangled up with this bastard again? He had completely ignored his own warnings. Damn, he needed a vacation from his life!

"Alright, let's do this," Gintoki's grimly spoken command brought him out of his inner contortions. He looked up to see the man had discarded the kimono he always wore and was now standing there, hands undoing his belt buckle. When Gintoki saw Hijikata wasn't moving, he scowled. "Bastard, start stripping. I want to hurry and get this over with."

Oh, God. Oh Buddha. Oh, Colonel Sanders! It was really happening. His life was over. How could a man go back to living a righteous, upstanding existence after comparing his ass hair to someone else's? Fumbling with his own belt, he watched Gintoki. An unspoken agreement passed between them and they pushed down their pants and underwear at the same time.

Avoiding looking down _there_, Gintoki stared into Hijikata's eyes and said, "Alright, first we'll look at our own asses in the mirror to get an initial assessment. Then, we'll each turn around so the other guy can see. Finally, we will look in the mirror again to compare what we just saw to our own butts again? Agreed?"

Hijikata could only nod. This whole thing was stupid to the one-hundredth degree, but with his pants and boxers around his ankles, he couldn't back out now.

"Ok, on three, bend over and look at your butt," Gintoki continued. He sounded strained, and Hijikata saw a drop of sweat roll down his face. It was getting to him, too. Hell, they were both idiots, but it was too late for them now. "One. Two. Three."

In a whoosh of air, the pair doubled over and shoved the mirrors between their legs, carefully ensuring their joysticks weren't injured in the process. Hijikata had never seen his own ass before. It was definitely unnerving to see it up close like this, much less scrutinize it as he was. To his satisfaction, however, there wasn't a hair in sight. With a triumphant "Hah!" he straightened and gave Gintonki a smug look.

"Smooth as a baby's bottom," he crowed, forgetting how moments ago he had been considering their antics asinine and juvenile.

"Hmpf," Gintoki smirked, "that's my line. There's no hair marring my tush."

"I'll believe it when I see it," Hijikata stuck a cigarette in his mouth and sneered.

"Me, too. So, turn around."

"Hah?" the cigarette almost fell from his lips as his mouth parted in surprise. "Why do I have to go first? You turn around."

"Oh, I couldn't. You're the guest. It's only polite to let you first."

_Polite my ass, you just want to delay your turn!_Dammit! Hijikata wanted to argue some more, but he didn't see any way out of it. They were already in too deep. Mustering his courage, he spun around and stared blankly at the wall. He knew his face was on fire. He could feel it. Fuuuck, this was humiliating! The only sound in the room was the nervous pounding of his heart. The air stirred behind him and he swore he felt something light and feathery caress his bottom. Flipping around, he found Gintoki still standing in the same spot he had been before Hijikata had turned around. A placid, almost bored expression on his face.

Slate eyes narrowing, Hijikata asked quietly, "Did you just touch my ass?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, Hijikata-kun. Please don't just go around accusing people of being perverts. It could really damage someone's reputation," the words were spoken blithely.

Feeling suspicious, but unable to pinpoint why, Hijikata stared at Gintoki for a minute more before motioning for him to turn around.

"Alright, dick-head. Your turn."

Paling slightly, Gintoki swallowed audibly before jerking to face the opposite direction. At the first sight of perfectly formed, twin globes, Hijikata felt like someone had sucked all of the air from the room. His eyes zeroed in on that tight, round ass and he actually found himself clinching and unclenching his hands as his fingers tingled with the need to squeeze and massage. Shit, something was seriously screwed up in his head. However, he couldn't stop himself. On panther-light feet, he padded across the room, pulled by some invisible string. Reaching out a finger that trembled slightly, he outlined the sleek curve of one taught buttock. The flesh was hot, firm, and indeed as silken as had been advertised.

Gintoki jerked at the touch, whipping his head back to stare at Hijikata with wide, disbelieving eyes.

"Bastard, what the hell are you doing?"

Hijikata gazed into those reddish-brown eyes and smiled. A dark, predatory smile, though he wasn't aware of it. "You have a mole here," he traced the small mark with his fingernail.

The other man shivered, goose bumps breaking out along his skin. Seeing this sent a wave of satisfaction coursing through Hijikata's body. He refused to question why. This whole day was fucked up anyway, so he was simply going to chalk anything that happened up to that fact.

"Even if I do have a mole, it doesn't give you the right to poke my ass!" Gintoki's voice was strangled while he batted Hijikata's hand away.

"Hmm," Hijikata hummed noncommittally, "but you do realize this means I win?"

"Why would my having a mole, _if_I had one, make you the winner?" there was a healthy dose of mistrust in the yorozuya's voice.

Imitating the evil grin Gintoki was usually directing at him, Hijikata happily answered. "Because, we didn't just say we would see had the less hair on their ass. We said who had the _smoothest_ass. Well, my ass is unmarred by anything but you have this little, puffy blemish here." He pushed it again for emphasis.

"Quit poking, me, dammit!" Gintoki growled, knocking his hand away again.

"Anyway," Hijikata continued easily, feeling unfathomably happy, "this bump here makes your bottom less smooth than mine, and ergo I win."

"I don't believe it! I'm going to look for myself. I don't remember seeing any mole."

Bending over, Gintoki brought his mirror up and began inspecting his butt with grim intensity. Something about that position made Hijikata feel warm and out of breath. Trying to cover up this bizarre reaction, he coughed and lifted the mirror he held in his own hand.

"Would you like to use this one as well to get a better look? Why do you have two hand mirrors anyway?"

"No, I don't need it," Gintoki's voice was slightly muffled from the way he was standing. "And I need two so I can see my hair from all angles. Don't underestimate the pain of a natural-perm, you silky-haired bastard! All smug just because the author gave you perfect hair."

Hijikata ignored Gintoki's grumblings, instead focusing on the part where the other man had actually complimented him. In an insulting, contrary kind of way. He was more pleased by it than he should be.

"It's nice of you to compliment my hair," he said in amusement, "but that doesn't change the situation. You still have a mole right there." He rubbed over it again. "And that means, you still lose."

"Asshole, I said—"

"Gin-san, they had a three-for-one sale on toilet paper so we stock—," a new voice broke in, interrupting Gintoki's protests. Two pairs of eyes flew with horror to the doorway where two other sets of eyes stared back with shock and disgust. Hijikata tried to picture the scene from where they stood. Gintoki bent over, a mirror between his legs. Hijikata's hand on his ass, a second mirror in his other hand. Yeah, it didn't look bad at all. As if! It looked perverted as hell! He wanted to crawl into a hole and diiiie!

The Shimura kid looked at them, antipathy on his face. Quickly covering China's eyes, he pulled the girl away.

"Let's go, Kagura-chan, before you get contaminated. We'll go stay the night at Sis's house."

"Gin-chan, how could you?" the girl was crying as the boy dragged her away. "Mother didn't raise you to be such a dirty adult. Waaaah!"

A door slammed violently, and then there was nothing but silence. For about a minute. Until Gintoki snapped out of his stupor and turned on Hijikata. He grabbed the Shinsensumi by the throat and slammed him against the wall.

"Argh, Shinpachi and Kagura think I'm some kind of freak now," he pointed to the doorway where the two had been standing. "How are you going to make this up to me? Take responsibility, you bastard."

"Make it up to you?" Hijikata shouted back. "This whole thing is all your fault to begin with. You assaulted me. Made some ridiculous wager about our asses. And do you realize neither of us have any pants on at the moment! Your junk is touching my junk in case you hadn't noticed, idiot!"

It was true. When Gintoki had thrown him against the wall, their bodies had pressed together. There was nothing but air between their lower halves, and scant little of that as close as they were. This whole day had been one disaster after another, and the responsibility lay squarely with one Sakata Gintoki. Tenuous restraint snapping like a broken twig under his foot, Hijikata told rational thought to go fuck itself and let all his anger, frustration and that hidden emotion he hadn't dared name until now roar to the surface. In a fraction of a second, he picked Gitnoki up, slung him over his shoulder, and then threw him down on the futon in the center of the room.

**TBC**


End file.
